In a year I began with many questions, I find this question difficult to answer. I began 2018 with questions rooted in optimism and end this year with so much left to reckon with.
It feels odd to accept my year as a good year, given divisive political uncertainties. No one will leave this year unscathed from this year's toxic political discourse. I'll mute my thoughts on that, however.
In my personal life, I end my year with new questions I've had to ask and try to answer, such as:
In my personal life, I end my year with new questions I've had to ask and try to answer, such as:
How do I move forward with two close friends leaving our friendship?
Will my goals feel more daunting as I get older?
Am I a good person?
"Am I a good person" is the question that's haunted me this year. That question leads to others:
Am I making the right decisions?
Do I deserve the good things I have?
When I asked these questions, my only answer was "I don't know."
Am I Good Person?
I began seeing a therapist.
People important in my life supported this decision, though a few asked "Why now" or "Why not before?"
Despite perpetual issues of social literacy and stress, I generally move forward during dark times in my personal life. Breakups, rejections, setbacks always sent me down a dark path of insecurity as I imagine it does for most folks. Like most, I developed my own tactics involving constructive or creative distractions, working with those who support me, and listening to "Let it Go" and P!nk on repeat.
Time heals most emotional wounds. But, stress from a new job (a promotion - a good thing), a new living situation, and an emotionally overwhelming falling out with two close friends led me to bleed stress. In the past, I never saw a therapist during my dark times mostly because it felt inaccessible due to cost. I felt as long as I have a grip on my life, goals, and work I was fine.
When on the reference desk, however, I felt compelled to research everything I felt ailing me. I thought I could solve my own emotional truths. Everyday I woke up at 4 or 5 a.m., 2-3 hours before I had to, and spent the hours before getting ready haunted by past missteps. I compulsively ruminated over past conflicts with people. I ruminated over things that happened in high school and even middle school.
I felt like I was a horrible person. Making all the mistakes I made added up to feelings of guilt and shame. I couldn't stop apologizing to coworkers, to my girlfriend, and to my friends, for minor communication errors.
Every action I took led me to second guess my intent. If I helped a patron I would immediately walk away worried. "Was I too rude to them?" "Did they think I spoke to them fairly?" I would ask coworkers for validation. Helping a patron find a homeless shelter, I felt I did the right thing but then I would feel like a bad person. "Should I celebrate myself for doing good? Shouldn't I just do this just because? Would I have done this in public, or would I ignore this person except in the library?"
I felt guilty for being human.
I exhausted my usual tactics of emotional healing. At a certain point, I realized I can't rely on Dr. Google, and that this research and my ruminations interfered with work and my personal routines. So, I booked a therapy session.
"Should I see a therapist?" If you ask yourself that my answer is yes, if you can within your budget. Therapy works. It's not about treating mental illness. It's about wellness. I chose this action because I wanted to feel well.
Immediately, my therapist diagnosed me with acute anxiety and advised medication. I declined, with the hope that developing new tactics will help. So far, I feel better. I feel supported and my therapist advised me to try to tackle moments of rumination, of social awkwardness, or dark thoughts with life affirmations.
I came up with the following to say during rumination:
- Everyone makes mistakes.
- No one's socially perfect.
- You are a good person.
- People love you more than you think.
My therapist then advised me to say "I am a good person" more often. Based on our sessions, she felt I wasn't seeing how I am a good person. I wasn't seeing how others accept me and care for me.
So the answer to my most burning question: I am a good person. I help others. I help myself. Moving forward into the new year, I have to keep saying this: I am a good person.
A Year of Long-Term Thinking
Reckoning with anxieties and long term issues comes in a year involving general long-term planning. Much of the goals shared in my 2018 goals post focused on setting myself up for this long term. While not successful on some goals, I accomplished a lot.
The big goal was buying a house. I ultimately didn't meet that goal but that's because I decided to wait, save up more, and put a down payment on a larger house I want for my long-term happiness.
I did create a short term savings account and saved nearly $400 each month. I also set up a Roth IRA account for long term savings. Financially I feel more comfortable, when I purchase a house I'll feel cozier.
Seeing a therapist and facing my emotional issues, however, I realized I need to also plan long-term for my emotional health. I explored a few of these questions in my September 2018 post but I needed more clarity. I wanted to understand what will make me fulfilled.
I built my long-term emotional health goals using Steven Covey's "80th Birthday" principle. The clip advises to conceive of one's 80th birthday. Who do you want around you? What do you want to reflect on as a life well lived?
A lot of folks may critique the video from a cynical point of view, but I like it. Asking "What do I want to see in my life as I sit at my 80th birthday?" helped clarify what I want or continue to want in my life.
On my 80th birthday, I want to reflect and feel right saying:
Reckoning with anxieties and long term issues comes in a year involving general long-term planning. Much of the goals shared in my 2018 goals post focused on setting myself up for this long term. While not successful on some goals, I accomplished a lot.
The big goal was buying a house. I ultimately didn't meet that goal but that's because I decided to wait, save up more, and put a down payment on a larger house I want for my long-term happiness.
I did create a short term savings account and saved nearly $400 each month. I also set up a Roth IRA account for long term savings. Financially I feel more comfortable, when I purchase a house I'll feel cozier.
Seeing a therapist and facing my emotional issues, however, I realized I need to also plan long-term for my emotional health. I explored a few of these questions in my September 2018 post but I needed more clarity. I wanted to understand what will make me fulfilled.
I built my long-term emotional health goals using Steven Covey's "80th Birthday" principle. The clip advises to conceive of one's 80th birthday. Who do you want around you? What do you want to reflect on as a life well lived?
A lot of folks may critique the video from a cynical point of view, but I like it. Asking "What do I want to see in my life as I sit at my 80th birthday?" helped clarify what I want or continue to want in my life.
On my 80th birthday, I want to reflect and feel right saying:
- I spent the most time I could with people I love.
- With my job, I did right in improving or serving the lives of others.
- I made personally fulfilling short films that reflect emotional realities of small town life.
- I lived up to my childhood wanderlust in traveling worldwide.
2018 Was a Good Year for Me
I've often defined a good year in terms of goal accomplishments. Looking at 2018, I feel I let some goals slip but I nailed down the goals important to me.
More importantly, I began building the future I want. Emotional clarity fulfilled my year more than any single goal.
Yet, I accomplished many of my goals and worked towards satisfying my 80 year old self. Mexico and Japan lived up to my childhood wanderlust. I finished post production on my short film Will and I wrote several scripts. More people passed the GED because of my assistance at the library.
Most importantly, I made time for supportive people.
