For many folks blonde hair equals fun and delightful. For red heads, as we age our hair lightens across a spectrum until white. Blonde means old. Blonde hair for me is gray hair to you.
We all reach that point in our late twenties. We dig through our hair and find those gray follicles. It's nature's way of telling you that "you don't have time for everything."
Now I'm digging through my own beard and finding my once mighty red hair lighter and lighter. I look in the mirror and my normally strawberry blonde hair appears more blonde than strawberry.
I don't have time for everything.
I begin 2019 with this statement. I ask "what do I have time for?" I turn 30 this year, an age that strikes many with existential crises or thoughts of memento mori.
Yet I reckoned with these thoughts last year. Last year meant friends leaving, fears of death, and more realities of adulthood. Last year meant I had to define purpose, which I did with Covey's 80th birthday premise. Because this happened at the end of the year, purpose remains the word I consider moving forward. Last year I asked "what is my purpose?" Now I say "everything should have a purpose."
I don't have time for everything. Everything should have a purpose.
I begin this year with tangible and written goals ready to tackle. I also begin this year aiming to strengthen my emotional self. I can write my 2019 post on the goals I have for writing and traveling, but I write this post to talk about emotional goals. I write to discuss how I aim to perpetuate the tactics that helped me overcome deeply anxious thoughts and stress. If stress causes gray hair then I need to make sure every gray hair, every blonde hair, has a purpose. Instead of stressing over toxic people, over things I cannot control, I need to accept I don't have time for everything. Thus, everything I worry about and focus on should have a purpose.
The typical New Years' Resolution for a lot of folks deals with diet and exercise. It begins with a workout goals.
Dealing with stress and emotional pain are my workout goals. Stress and emotional pain happen, but I want to perpetuate a workout plan I began last year with my therapist.
Workout Plan: Strengthening Relationships
Last year posed such overwhelming odds because folks in my support system I rely on departed. That's ok though. I have other wonderful friends and a supportive family. I'm lucky to have this where many folks don't. Therefore I want to strengthen and build this support system.
How do you plan to strengthen a support system?
If a workout plan needs tangible tactics, then I aim to try these tactics:
- Travel more with friends and family. I aim to travel with my girlfriend to Nashville in March. I'd like to have a nice day trip with family.
- Game Night every month. My coterie and I enjoyed tabletop game nights last year and I aim to make this a monthly, recurring event.
- Treat my folks on their birthdays.
- More coffee chats with friends I can't see every month.
Workout Plan: Focus on Myself
How do I accept myself?
I don't know. I really don't know. Last year pushed me in how I view myself. I had to ask "how can I sit by myself and not grow restless or anxious?" because every time I sat by myself with no distractions I grew restless and anxious.
So how do I create tangible targets for focusing on myself? Do I look in the mirror for hours?
No.
Through my therapist, I've worked on life affirmation statements but alternatively I want to continue tactics that allowed me to live and accept my own world: reading and writing.
I already read and write a lot, however. so let me be specific. I grew out of the habit of reading poetry around 2016 and novels in college. Last year I spent more time reading fiction, like The Three Body Problem Trilogy by Cixin Liu, Star Wars novels, Lilith's Brood by Octavia Butler, and the great Harry Potter re-read.
What I realized is that fiction allows me to detach from myself. While not acceptance, it allows me to have myself alone for company.
I also realized that writing poetry, while not my ultimate artistic pursuit, helped me control myself. Writing, in general, helps with self-control as it helps one organize trauma and life experiences. I left poetry writing because it bore no consequence on my short films which I consider my ultimate pursuit. Yet, I started writing poetry again at the end of last year because I had an idea I felt served best as a poem. I realize I love writing for the sake of writing. I compulsively write because I cannot not write. Thus, not only do I aim to read more fiction, but I want to read more poetry and write more poetry just for myself.
Workout Plan: Gratitude Journal Writing
Last, to accept myself I know I have to accept that I deserve the good things that I have. I struggled with that last year as I felt guilty for my past mistakes. I felt these cumulative mistakes meant I am a mistake and unworthy of all the good things in my life.
How do I deal with it? How do I accept that it's ok to feel good? That it's ok to accept reward and happiness?
I'm not sure. But I aim to try by writing thoughts of gratitude in my journal. I write in my journal what I'm thankful for. It's often as easy as writing a statement of gratitude for my girlfriend or my family's support. It's often as ordinary as "I am grateful for warp stabilizer in Premiere Pro."
But ordinary things matter. Support matters. So to accept myself, I want to accept all the things that help me push forward.
Forward in 2019
What makes workout goals and my usual goals attractive is how defined they are. A tangible goal for a specific target can be accomplished. Accomplishing emotional goals poses difficulty because I am evolving. As I evolve, I have to reckon with what causes pain in a different way.
Consequently, I cannot look forward to 2019 with hope that everything that ails me will revert or leave without returning.
What I can look forward to in 2019 is a worthy fight to keeping my stress and my blonde hairs at bay. Every gray or blonde hair should have a purpose.
