I begin my 30th year working on living up to an affirmation: "I am worthy." Worthy of what? Worthy of self-acceptance?
For many folks I'm their friend or best friend. For them and especially for my family, I'm definitely worth something. This notion "I'm not important" makes no sense to them.
Yet I struggle with a perception of my worth. Why? Because even though I'm 30 and have a lot accomplished in my life, I wrestle with defining my own worth in my own terms. I wrestle with looking in a mirror and thinking "you're not so bad."
For so many years I defined worth as one defined by others. I can no longer do that. I'm 30. I have to define what matters to me and how I work to live toward those ideals.
I have to say: I deserve to be here.
I have to say: I am worth a lot because I exist.
When I began therapy, my therapist asked if I contemplated or thought of committed suicide. In college, I did. After I stage managed A Number in college, I remained frozen the next morning because I knew if I woke up I would get in my 1996 Ford Contour and drive to Savannah for one last walk. I would walk into the ocean on Tybee Island, with a note on the car. I would not walk back.
The Tybee Island ideation persisted throughout my junior year of college. College felt socially overwhelming and my theatre experience - in hindsight, an experience I consider the best decision I made - exacerbated a feeling that I will never make my mark.
Those ideas changed when I accomplished things. I abandoned the idea that I should not be here because with tactics I could accomplish my goals. Therefore, I spent my twenties working on my goals and accomplishing what I could as a way to cope with anxiety.
I'm glad I accomplished those goals. Those goals fulfilled me. I would never regret what I accomplished in my twenties.
When not working on those goals, however, I fell into a maelstrom of anxiety and self-hating. I couldn't sit still with myself. Every mistake I made from middle school until now would haunt me. Last year, I would wake up to use the bathroom and instead of falling asleep lay as my mind raced in a fury of anxious thoughts. My only solution was to wake up and distract myself with a movie or book.
Through therapy, this anxiety subsided in a large way. Though intellectually I knew I matter to people, in therapy I unraveled this deep sense that I feel unworthy. That I do not deserve happiness and that I am unimportant.
Unlike college, I do not have suicide ideation, but I still have two frequent ideations. One is silly: participating in an interview on WTF with Marc Maron about my career and what I've done. The other is less silly: imagining how will people react if I die, or who will come to my funeral.
These ideations reflect an overarching insecurity: that I'm unimportant. I want others to know I'm important. I want to show the world that my story and my stories deserve recognition.
What I See
I don't deserve recognition, however. "Deserve" is a strong word.
Instead of thinking in what I deserve or placing the entirety of my worth on how people (or at least certain people) view me, I have to define my own worth.
I have to accept my own worth based on my own values and ideals.
I write this post to accept this challenge. For my twenties, I wrote about how I set goals and accomplished them. Accomplishing these goals served their purpose in broadening what I'm capable of doing.
But last year I began writing about emotional goals and how I need to focus on my emotional development, or "self-care." I need to accept that I have worth.
Why do I have worth?
Because I act on the ideals and principles I set define as positive and good; or how people should act. While imperfect, I accept responsibility for how I act; I treat others the best I can; and I am sincere in my growth.
I have worth because I'm a human being. I cannot act well to others under the belief that all people deserve dignity in the library and in the real world, then act poorly to myself.
I have worth.
I accomplished many goals in my twenties and I plan to continue those travel goals, filmmaking goals, and life goals.
But I also need to accept myself. I have to work on removing toxic beliefs and curtail insecurities to accept my worth.
