I began 2010 with a sense of urgency to reckon with my worst fears.
I have a drive to create - to translate what I imagine. I spent my young adulthood imagining myself as a creator - a filmmaker or a writer. But I failed to create anything that lived up to what I imagined. I even changed my major from Biology to Theatre so I could create something - anything. I didn't live up to that in the 2000's. I was a failure.
I was more than a failure as a creative. I was a social failure. No one in my theatre program liked me. I don't blame them - I was standoffish and put on a snooty air. I was unable to read people as well as books. I acted foolishly at best and callously at worst.
In 2009, I wrapped up my year stage managing a production that happened in spite of my choices. I was toxic to my colleagues who scolded and yelled at me in response to my daftness. They didn't want to work with me. I felt frustrated. For the next production, I applied for the assistant stage management position. I said if they assign me to "Construction," a crew team I wanted least, I'd transfer into another program. When the crew lists came out, I saw my assignment:
Construction.
They didn't have to say what I understood by that decision - I am not fit for leadership. I am not fit for what I aspire to do. I didn't know whether I could do anything.
In that final semester of 2009 I took Acting 1 - a required class. I felt terrified of acting - I'm a behind the scenes person. The class ends with a performance of a scene directed by the students in Directing 1. We, the Acting 1 class, auditioned for the directing students. I had a terrible audition for the directors (from Look Back in Anger) that only yielded two callbacks (the minimum callbacks for each actors was two). A directing student cast me as "Bullfrog" in their scene from the play Catfish Moon.
I practiced and dug into my role. I acted on stage in December 2009. I performed. Our performance yielded...applause - enthusiastic applause! I acted on stage and not only did I not suck but I was ok!
I did something. Even more: it was better than nothing. I made something - through acting I made this character.
I decided to remain in the program. I decided that since many of my colleagues didn't know me well enough, I would take responsibility to share my better attributes (my sense of humor) and project any anxiety into constructive giving (bringing dessert for folks during Tech Week, for instance). I decided to work on every production my program had that semester.
I wasn't leaving - I wasn't quitting.
I wrote more. I struggled with my social acumen - failing to date, for instance - but I took responsibility for my actions. I accepted my mistakes with sincere remorse. I never repeated those mistakes.
I slowly became the person I imagined myself as.
At the beginning of 2010, I had few allies or friends, no real creative output other than my creating writing materials, and felt like a failure. At the end of 2010, I had more friends, professors who believed in me, and I completed that year with a staged reading of my play The Five Stages of Baldness which was well received.
Now, at the end of 2019 - 9 years and 11 months later, I have meaningful friendships and a fiancee. I have a life in writing and filmmaking with a portfolio of finished short films shown at film festivals and on Vimeo, in addition to my published poems. I have a day job career that fulfills me in serving others. I have a personal life of traveling to the places I've always wanted to visit.
I feel humbled by my decade. I worry about celebrating it too much, however. Part of me feels justified in celebrating how my life changed because I changed my life and I took responsibility and agency. But part of me feels like this post comes off as a brag because it will fail to encompass the completeness of "how" I changed or how bad I felt or was. I have accomplished many of my goals but there's so much more that I'm proud of than just accomplishing goals.
By breaking up with my worst self I didn't spend the decade just accomplishing tangible goals or traveling or writing. I broke up with my worst emotional self. That's what I truly take pride in.
I'm proud of my travels. I'm proud of my creative output. But I'm proud that I'm not toxic towards women - that I'm not insecure about dating women or that I feel like every woman exists as a potential girlfriend or wife for me. I'm proud that I worked on my social illiteracy and found tactics to become more literate through clear communication. I'm proud to see a therapist to deal with my anxiety and with the fact I can't control everything in my life.
I'm proud of the moments I stood up for myself to individuals who acted poorly or maliciously to me. I'm proud of the moments of kindness and compassion I could impart.
I'm proud of who I became by breaking up with my worst self.
