Reflections on 2013

I haven't posted on this blog for awhile so I thought I'd do something basic like one of my famous "Life Updates" (fame is relative, thank you).

For the most part I haven't given this blog any substantial attention because my focus has been on other projects of pressing importance (to me, anyway). Since October I have been working on the one act I submitted to the Tennessee Williams Literary Festival entitled "Meticulous," my collection of poems which were in dire need of revising, and my current adaptation of "Meticulous" into a full-length film screenplay. My goal next year is to begin submitting scripts to festivals, having them read, and experience the feedback of actual adept script readers (rejection and so forth). Namely, I have my eyes set on submitting a full-length script to the Nicholls Fellowship by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and a tv pilot script to the Austin Film Festival.

The blog, which I often use to write when there are no projects to write, has been neglected.
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Now....for 2013.

Eh.

The year was exceptional in both disappointment and relative fulfillment. The year was tough. In my Jimi Hendrix post I noted how awful 6th grade was for me. There has been nothing comparable in misery like the year I was in 6th grade but this year was as close to that year as any one year could possibly be. It takes a lot of misery for one year to be akin or equal to the year puberty starts.

In assessing disappointment, there's a conflict in understanding issues that occurred because of one's mistakes or something beyond one's control. There was recurring issues with me that happen each year--stuff I won't divulge with great detail, but basically ineptitude at dating and proficiency at (unwanted) loneliness. Something I could control was moving out after I came back from South America, but that has been slow in my resolve.

With disappointment there comes a strength of resolve to rectify mistakes or situations and solve the problems one is having--at least that's how I approached it.

There's no way to solve my grandfather's passing, however. The man loomed large over our family as a typical--almost literary--Southern patriarch. In his passing, I fear my family has splintered deeper than with my grandmother passing (which by the way happened in 6th grade). Despite having 5 children, he made no effort towards a will or any written documentation of how to proceed with his assets. Consequently, individuals in my family began creating stakes in his assets, his finances, with each one mired in self-interest. I had no way to control this event. It's nature. People die. Nor do I have a large say in my family affairs, but the suffering will fester I'm afraid to say.

Then there's the MFA situation. Receiving rejection across the board left me embittered and sore in spite of knowing this was a possible conclusion and especially knowing how common it is. The rejections did not leave me completely exhausted of my resolve, however. Instead I reassessed the situation and contemplated whether or not I would undergo this degree if cost was a factor. The truth is, I wouldn't. The field of academic poets and professors is extremely flooded. It's a tough job market only justified by full funding in graduate studies but frankly I felt I needed a day job. Preparing a portfolio and scripts while working showed me that I can write while having a day job. Therefore I decided to adjust myself to finding a day job and study within that field. At first I thought of technical writing but it took me leaving the library to realize how much I valued that profession. I can live with the salary of a librarian--it's similar to a teacher's salary--and I found it more fulfilling than education. When I decided to earn a Master's of Library & Information Science there was a clearness in my head, an absence of uncertainty, a moment of clarity. With this in mind, I know there are several librarians who are well noted writers like Borges and Philip Larkin. Had I not received these rejections I would never have thought of the field. I must admit that now I'm a bit pensive and I do have concerns but I'm optimistic in the program I've chosen.

Speaking of rejections there's also the disappointment of continued poetry rejections I receive for work I submit. It's extremely tough to send in work and get published. I try to justify my rejections by seeing how others are being rejected as I am but it doesn't seem to alleviate any despair at the prospect of not being published. Then, in March, I did receive publication in "Deep South Magazine," which isn't a bad place to start. The publication has a readership, not typical of literary journals but literary individuals nonetheless. One poem published for 50 rejections isn't horrible. I'll take it.

There's other disappointments from the year. I had a script that was ready to shoot, a short film, but it's been held back because of my trip, finances (primarily mine), a key collaborator's other project, among other reasons. That being said it's a script that can be shot. It hasn't stopped me from writing other scripts. It also hasn't stopped me from shooting footage on my own initiative.

Really, this is key to this year compared to other years. My confidence has allowed me to bounce back from disappointments and I continue to work on who I am. I'm about 5 years behind everyone else who is successful but that gap is decreasing. Instead of letting rejection discourage me I continue to work and work. I'm now in the habit of writing something everyday and I feel absolutely unfulfilled if I write nothing in a day. There are some days where I'll throw the minimum one page a day and that's it, but I've been successful with setting up and meeting my own deadlines. I keep pushing myself and that is something I didn't do 4 years ago. In sixth grade, my failures discouraged me and ripped any confidence apart, replacing it with insecurity. It's taken me years to overcome this, years I feel I've lost, but now I'm still writing in spite of rejection and moving forward.

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There were some highlights, some fulfilling moments. In May I did receive acceptance into graduate school for a MA in English, and I was recommended for funding. The funding wasn't wonderful and I ultimately set myself aside from the program but the feeling that I wasn't worthless was relatively fulfilling. It became meaningful when I received acceptance in the Master's of Library & Information Science program at the University of South Carolina. I like the program--it has breadth, particular in the fields of image management and medical librarianship. The distance education/online format may be a challenge, but I think if I can get internships it'll work out well.

The big event of this year, for me, was finally leaving the country to backpack in South America. To go into detail as to how much this trip meant to me would completely take over the blog. Help yourself to my South America posts (there's 9 of them) which go into greater detail. It felt like life was beating me down before this trip, but that seemed to evaporate while I was trekking in South America. More important is that it led me to meet people that gave me confidence in my wishes. I met people who were like me, in a job situation that wasn't great, who were unconventional in their desires, and yet wanted something more than the usual. It's hard to not look upon others' Facebook profiles without envy, without envy of how professional they seem in comparison or how well to do or how normal. Then again, my trip allowed me to understand that everyone has their own unique way of living. I can't live like those individuals. My urge to see more of the world, especially after this trip, is too great. My urge to write continuously is too much to let go. South America allowed me to see that, or at least be delusional enough to believe that.

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Talking about South America is a way to end this post, and for all intents and purposes it has ended. Yet, I'm part of a coterie that relishes in the reflection of our favorite pop culture items. Consider this an Epilogue.

With all this life stuff written, I will say my life in pop culture has been mediocre--not great, not bad. Because of saving money to move out (potentially then and now certainly) or for the trip to South America, I haven't been able to fully immerse myself into a lot of pop culture. Pop culture--movies, books, music--is a big deal to me and my life so it's worth exploring to me.

With books there's so much that comes out that it's unfair to assess a year as bad or good. There was some good poetry collections by Bruce Bond, Derek Sheffield, Rae Armantrout, Maurice Manning, and Thanha Lai (Bond's being my favorite). There's great novels and story collections via George Saunders and "Tenth of December," as well as Philipp Meyer and "The Son." This year, however, I did a lot of non-fiction reading, particularly in regards to the Civil War. If there was a book that dominated my life it was "Battle Cry of Freedom" by James McPherson, and I consequently read several other material involving the Civil War by McPherson and others.

This year's music wasn't too bad for me. I love shoegaze and overdriven rock music. This year seems to point towards a renaissance of sorts for this music. My Bloody Valentine finally released a new album, "mbv," and it was spectacular. There was also Deafhaven, which I've grown to like fairly well, and No Joy's "Wait to Pleasure." Sigur Ros moved a little more to rock and seeing them in concert was quite a thrill. I also liked new releases by Beacon, Killer Mike and El-P (now Run the Jewels), True Widow, and even Kanye's new album.

Now there's movies--my love--and it was mostly disappointment. Not all movies were awful, but there wasn't anything that stood out as something that will stick with me in the test of time. It reminded me a lot of 2009, where there was good movies, but very few great movies. There are several good movies like the underappreciated (enjoyable) "Pacific Rim," "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire," and "The Conjuring." There were some absolutely disappointing movies, however, like "Star Trek Into Darkness" (which isn't as half as good as "Wrath of Khan") and "Prisoners" (what a waste of time). There were great pieces, like "Gravity," "Blue Jasmine," "Frozen" (suck it), "American Hustle,"and "Mud." The film that has stood out for me, the one that keeps coming back, however, is "Upstream Color." Shane Carruth is someone extremely inspiring to me as someone who self-finances and self-distributes his films. There's something haunting about "Upstream Color" that I can't get over. If there is a film that's left a lasting impact on me, it's that one. I still haven't seen "Inside Llewyn Davis" and "12 Years a Slave," which I may see in Atlanta this week or in Athens in the first of January. There's also "Her," but that won't come out until a little later.

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With all this mixture of disappointment and fulfillment, I have a strong optimism about 2014. There seems to be better things on the horizon personally and in pop culture. One week left and then...something lovely, right?